Black Christmas (2019) review

30. Black Christmas (2019)

Directed by: Sophia Takal

Produced by: Jason Blum, Ben Cosgrove, Adam Hendricks

Screenplay by: Sophia Takal, April Wolfe

Starring: Imogen Poots, Aleyse Shannon, Lily Donoghue, Brittany O’Grady, Caleb Eberhardt, Cary Elwes

The original “Black Christmas” is one of the most influential slasher movies ever made, although its impact has been somewhat diluted due to the popularity of what came immediately after. There was a remake in 2006 that was quickly dismissed as distasteful, cynical trash, and then another adaptation that came out in 2019. I say “adaptation” because the plot is completely different from the original; the only real similarity is that the protagonists are sorority sisters trying to avoid being killed around Christmastime. But it doesn’t matter, because the story is so laughably absurd and the themes so transparent without a shred of subtlety, it makes for an amazing kind of bad movie.

Our main character is Riley (Imogen Poots), a member of the Mu Kappa Epsilon sorority at Hawthorne College. She’s had PTSD since being raped by Delta Kappa Omicron fraternity president Brian (Ryan McIntyre), who basically went unpunished for his actions. Elsewhere, her friend Kris (Aleyse Shannon) is filing a petition to have Professor Gelson (Cary Elwes) fired for his chauvinistic teachings, as relations with DKO are already frayed due to a previous effort to remove the bust of university founder Calvin Hawthorne. But that doesn’t stop Riley, Kris, and their friends Marty (Lily Donoghue) and Jesse (Brittany O’Grady) from performing at DKO’s Christmas talent show, a song-and-dance condemning their rape culture set to “Up on the House Top.” Afterwards, they start getting threatening messages from a Calvin Hawthorne account, while sisters from MKE and other sororities are being attacked and killed by hooded masked assailants. Will Riley and her friends survive and defeat the dreaded patriarchy?

Really, that’s the literal conflict of the film, an attack on toxic masculinity as it affects our society. If you know me, you know I consider myself a liberal and decent man; I abhor hate crimes, misogyny, classism, etc. I even believe in some things that would make certain people call me “woke.” But the way this story is written is not the way to tackle social issues; I know people will say “Keep politics out of my movies!” but they don’t realize that some of the great horror movies ever made have political undertones. “Get Out,” “Candyman,” “Jaws,” the “Body Snatchers” films, and even the original “Black Christmas” all make some kind of social commentary, but the difference is the writing was clever enough to make it subtext buried within the overall story. This movie, however, rather than allowing us viewers to have discussions about these themes, does it for us, and it’s so damn sanctimonious about it. There’s one smart moment where Riley kills an attacker with a set of keys, but too many lines are just buzzwords clearly meant to evoke a reaction of recognition, but it just comes across as pandering and, with how the plot unfolds, even insulting; it only does a disservice to actual causes, because no one’s going to take them seriously when attached to a bad screenplay like this.

The characters are more like caricatures who only serve to convey these preachings; some of the acting is pretty good, like Imogen Poots as Riley and Aleyse Shannon as Kris, and I do like the feeling of camaraderie between some of the sisters. But even then, the way they connect through Riley’s past trauma gets uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Kris is so insistent on Riley making a statement that it comes across as pushy and even manipulative; she actually puts a video of their talent show online without her permission. Okay, I get the idea of trying to help your friend move on so they don’t stay in a bubble forever, but my thought is that it should be up to Riley as far as when and how she’s ready to address this. And what sucks is that Kris is ultimately validated by the end, even when the performance itself doesn't feel substantial; it just seems like a silly taunt rather than a big revelation.

As for the men, it’s practically cartoonish how over-the-top evil the DKO brothers act, often furrowing their eyebrows, chewing gum, and spouting a lot of cliché macho lines. Cary Elwes—who they thankfully don’t try to have do an American accent—is the same in his overall sneering unctuousness, while you also have the dumb security guard Gil (Mark Neilson) and the only “good guy” Landon (Caleb Eberhardt), who still acts a little weird and insincere to me. The horror scenes have some tension, but are pretty bloodless due to a PG-13 rating. My opinion for slashers is if they can’t be gory, be suspenseful or clever, and while there is a kill with nice imagery, and others meant to be nods to “The Exorcist III” and the original “Black Christmas,” others are way too telegraphed, and just kind of get lost in the overbearing storyline that adds up to a climax that defies all description. I don’t want to spoil what happens, but let’s just say there’s something very specific that’s causing these attacks, and it’s laughable in its ridiculousness and resolution. It removes all sense of accountability, and has the kind of in your face showiness that makes it feel like parody.

But that’s the biggest problem; there’s no parody, satire, or nuance. It’s written like it’s trying to be important and inspiring; there’s a group pose near the end that looks like something from a Marvel film, that’s how seriously this takes itself. Don’t get me wrong; the themes it addresses are timely and significant, but there’s a smarter way to incorporate them into a feminist-slanted horror movie. The characters are one-dimensional, the dialogue is forced, the editing is sloppy—apparently, this was made in a very short amount of time—and the messaging is superficial. The ’06 version is dumb schlock, but it at least knew it and went all the way with how grotesque it could be; this is just a heavy-handed stinker. There are plenty of really good feminist horror movies out there; this is a pale imitation of them.

My rating: 3/10