Hobgoblins (1988) review

15. Hobgoblins (1988)

Directed by: Rick Sloane

Produced by: Rick Sloane

Screenplay by: Rick Sloane

Starring: Tom Bartlett, Paige Sullivan, Steven Boggs, Kelley Palmer, Billy Frank, Daran Norris

Once in a while, I’ll look up lists of what people consider the worst movies ever made; some of them I’ve reviewed this month or in recent years, others I’ve seen before and know how awful they are like “The Garbage Pail Kids Movie,” “The Master of Disguise” or “The Last Airbender.” But one title that always mystified me was “Hobgoblins,” a $15,000 comedy horror flick written, produced, shot, edited and directed by Rick Sloane, a man seemingly unaffected by the perception that his auteurism is awful. The description of little mythological monsters on the loose doesn’t sound especially terrible, just another rip-off of “Gremlins.” Granted, the trailer is somewhat outlandish, but what would give something like this such a fiendish reputation? Specifically, the stilted acting, bad creature effects, nonsensical storytelling, terrible sound design and numerous plot holes, that’s what.

The main character is Kevin (Tom Bartlett), a college student who takes a job as a security guard at an old movie studio to impress his girlfriend Amy (Paige Sullivan), who views him as weak after losing a bizarre sparring session with their friend Daphne’s (Kelley Palmer) Army boyfriend Nick (Billy Frank). When Kevin and his boss, the elderly Mr. McCreedy (Jeffrey Culver), are chasing a burglar at the studio one night, Kevin stumbles across a vault that houses a group of hairy, demonic little aliens that McCreedy calls hobgoblins. He explains that they crash-landed on the lot 30 years earlier, and he’s been keeping them hidden ever since; apparently, they have the hypnotic power to make people’s fantasies come true, but the fantasies always end up killing them, which becomes a problem when they escape the lot and end up at Kevin’s house, where they torment his friends into committing strange acts.

Right off the bat, having a film studio as the hobgoblins’ home is a weird choice, probably done out of production convenience; maybe if this was made by a major studio, they could’ve had fun it, using props or memorabilia from other franchises, but no dice. As for the hobgoblins, you won’t find anything in the same league as Jim Henson or Chris Walas here; the designs aren’t bad, but they’re more like stuffed animals than living, breathing creatures. Their faces don’t move much, and they don’t even do a whole lot other than create these illusions, which are so lazily assembled, it’s hard to even associate them with each other. In the brief scenes where they fight the human characters, it’s obviously the actors moving them around, and in some moments, they just stand right next to them somehow without being seen; maybe it’s part of the illusion, but nevertheless, the staging looks hilarious.

For such a low budget, I don’t expect much from the craft; but some of the decisions made with the writing and characters defy any budget limitations. That sparring session I mentioned earlier is just Kevin and Nick clicking gardening tools together for—I’m not kidding—over two minutes, and every strike has the same dumb sound effect. The fact that everyone’s so insistent that this “duel” happens is really odd; they act like Kevin is pathetic for not wanting to do this. And when it’s over, why is Amy so mad about him losing, like he was supposed to win against a guy in the Army? I thought the whole purpose was for him to learn something from Nick; by the way, this argument goes on with Nick’s van in the background, shaking around with cartoon bouncing noises, indicating celebratory sexy times with Nick and Daphne, which lasts less than 30 seconds. Wow, what a stud.

This is the most egregious example, but there’s a whole recurring gag of their friend Kyle (Steven Boggs) calling a woman named Fantazia (Tamara Clatterbuck) on a phone sex hotline—running up Nick’s phone bill in the process—and later fantasizing meeting her. First of all, they don’t even talk to each other; Fantazia just gives him a scenario and then hangs up without Kyle saying anything, so why is this even supposed to be sexy? I’ve never called one of these hotlines, but I’m pretty sure there’s supposed to be more to them than that. Then after they’re attacked by the hobgoblins, he immediately goes into the other room to make another call; why would you do that right now?

Other unusual interactions have Daphne yelling at Amy just for bringing her jacket while she waits outside for Nick, characters getting upset because of a missed one-ring phone call, and just about everything that happens in the third act at this sleazy nightclub called Club Scum, where Amy fulfills her fantasy of being a stripper and trying to seduce the bouncer Roadrash (Duane Whitaker). It didn’t take me long to realize that I don’t like any of these characters and am not interested in any of their wants or needs. Actually, the standout performance is Daran Norris as the club M.C., just a peculiar yet endearing side character. You might recognize him as the voice of Cosmo on “The Fairly OddParents,” janitor Gordy on “Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide” or Cliff on “Veronica Mars,” and this was one of his first acting roles. In all honesty, this climax is at least stupid fun—not the song the band plays, that sucks—with a woman named Pixie (Kari French) wearing a crazy beehive hairdo, fistfights with punches that clearly don’t hit anything, and Nick going nuts by throwing grenades all over the room and getting set on fire, only to show up later with crutches and bandages, looking no worse for wear.

If there’s anything I can praise about “Hobgoblins,” it’s the lengths Sloane was willing to go to; supposedly, they didn’t have any permits for filming, so they had to use locations they could get for free or sneak them in before authorities caught them. That’s some Ed Wood guerilla-style cinema right there, so I can’t judge them too harshly based on that. However, the facts are that the story is sloppy and inane, with clumsy dialogue, awkward editing and incoherent cinematography. I know this is me saying that literally everything Sloane did was extremely poor, but I can’t pretend there isn’t something at least somewhat watchable about it, and the way it unravels towards the end does make me laugh for how random and inept it is. It’s not derivative enough to be worthy of the moniker of a “Gremlins” clone; it’s too uniquely bad for that, if still a chore when getting through the frustrating parts.

My rating: 3.5/10