Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) review

7. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Directed by: Harold P. Warren

Produced by: Harold P. Warren

Screenplay by: Harold P. Warren

Starring: Tom Neyman, John Reynolds, Diane Mahree, Harold P. Warren

You know, there’s something kind of amazing about the existence of a movie like “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” Its sheer level of ineptitude and amateurism is so off-the-charts, it’s comparable to something like “The Room,” only without the budget or ambition to maintain a satisfactory crew. But much like “The Room,” it exists because some guy that nobody’s ever heard of decided to get up and make a movie, and whether it’d be good or bad didn’t matter in the slightest. An El Paso, Texas insurance salesman and part-time theater actor named Harold P. Warren made a bet with future Oscar-winning screenwriter Stirling Silliphant—co-creator of “Route 66,” which Warren once appeared in as a walk-on—that he could make an entire horror film all by himself. And to his credit, he did it, and it resulted in one of the worst movies ever made, one that has occupied the bottom of the IMDb rankings for good reason.

The plot involves the family of father Michael (Warren), mother Margaret (Diane Mahree) and young daughter Debbie (Jackey Neyman), along with their dog Peppy, going on vacation through the Texas desert. They get lost looking for the Valley Lodge, and eventually end up at an old house, where they meet a strange man named Torgo (John Reynolds), caretaker of the place “while the Master is away.” They agree—or at least, Michael agrees—to spend the night there; but of course, this is a domain of evil, as Peppy is killed, Torgo becomes obsessively fixated on Margaret, and the Master is eventually revealed: a dark man in a black robe designed with two red hands, he and his multiple wives represent a cult, in which he plans to sacrifice the family to the mysterious deity Manos.

So once again, the movie isn’t an inherent failure because of the story. We see this scenario all the time, dumb characters traveling somewhere they shouldn’t and paying the price for it. “Psycho,” “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre,” “The Hills Have Eyes,” “Wrong Turn,” “The Cabin in the Woods,” you know what I mean. But where those movies had actual craft and tension, this is just a bunch of meandering, slow-paced nonsense. To begin with, the acting is terrible, and it’s difficult to even sum up how terrible, because much like “The Beast of Yucca Flats,” the film was shot without sound, so all the sound effects and dialogue were overdubbed in post-production. Granted, there’s at least some attempt here to match lip movements, which is more than I can say about “Yucca Flats,” but that’s not saying much; it’s still hilariously shoddy. The most egregious is little Jackey Neyman’s somewhat muffled dubbing; she reportedly cried when she heard it for the first time.

But aside from that, the actions are awkward, with nothing convincing in the body language; if you want to know where to find the most unintentionally silly catfight in movie history, watch the sequence with the Master’s wives. The most memorable character is Torgo, who spends his whole time looking confused and twitching around like he’s on LSD. Why do I say that? Because actor John Reynolds was literally on LSD during filming. With that said, however, it’s hard to entirely blame the actors for how bad the performances are; reportedly, Warren would only do two takes of each shot, and if neither turned out well, he just said “We’ll fix it in post.”

Of course, some things can’t be fixed in post, like the fact that his handheld camera could only record 32 seconds of film at a time, which results in many, many jump cuts. On some occasions, the shot goes on way too long; they should’ve just called this “Dead Space: The Movie.” The actors would be late on their cue or look directly into the camera, members of the crew or even the clapperboard would be visible, and I also must mention the ungodly drawn-out montage of the family driving; apparently, the opening credits were supposed to go here. Instead, it’s a minute and a half of driving with terrible music—which drowns out what little dialogue there is—and then one minute of this random teenage couple (Bernie Rosenblum & Joyce Molleur) making out in their car that they drive past. This couple has nothing to do with the story; they’re just occasionally hassled by a pair of cops (William Bryan Jennings & George Cavender). Joyce Molleur was originally cast as one of the wives, but broke her leg during filming, so this is how they kept her around.

The characters themselves just do a lot of inexplicable things throughout the movie. After the family first encounters the cult, Margaret gets panicky and hides with Debbie in the bedroom while Michael goes to talk to Torgo; but the next time we see her, she’s changing out of her clothes in front of a mirror like she hasn’t a care in the world. In the opening minutes, the family is pulled over by the cops for having a taillight out, but they get out of a ticket because Michael reasons that it’s their “first vacation,” like that’s supposed to mean something. Then during the climax, the cops pull up near the house—at least, I think it’s near the house, the spatial relationships are awful—thinking they heard gunshots; they basically take two steps past their car, decide that’s a thorough enough investigation, and drive away. Having them show up would’ve made for a much more interesting ending than this, which…I don’t even want to say what happens, it’s not only lame but disgusting when you really think about it.

When “Manos: The Hands of Fate” premiered at a gala event in El Paso—a big deal Warren orchestrated—it was heckled mercilessly, with most of the cast and crew eventually sneaking out of the theater, and eventually fell into obscurity, meaning most of the cast and crew received no compensation. Yes, their payments were promises of shares in the profits, which never materialized; no, actually, Jackey Neyman received a bicycle, and her Doberman, who played the Master’s dog, got 50 pounds of dog food. But over the years, there has been a cult following, and Warren—despite recognizing how bad the final product was—was still proud of the fact that he made it, and even embraced the recognition. I think it’s kind of cool that he got in on the joke; the movie's public domain, since he never included a copyright notice, so it’s easy to watch today. But would you want to? Well, just be prepared for some true incompetence; laughable, repetitive dialogue, absurd, out-of-place music, ugly, nihilistic themes, stupid, nonsensical staging, scenes of murder by face-rubbing, etc. I can’t say it’s one of my most hated movies, but it’s definitely one of the most abjectly pathetic.

My rating: 3/10