Troll 2 (1990) review

17. Troll 2 (1990)

Directed by: Claudio Fragasso

Produced by: Brenda Norris, Joe D’Amato, Asher Zulkosky Larson

Screenplay by: Claudio Fragasso

Starring: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy, Connie McFarland, Jason Wright

Oh my Goddddd…! Yeah, we’re reviewing “Troll 2” today. Usually, for the sake of completionism, I’d review the predecessor first, but there’s not much to say about the original “Troll” from 1986; it’s a basic fantasy horror film with decent special effects. Besides, the sequel has nothing at all to do with the first film; in fact, it was originally developed with the title “Goblins” until American distributors changed it, hoping for more marquee value. But whether it has any connection or not doesn’t matter; this is an absolute trainwreck of a movie, full of awkward acting, shoddy production design, and a nonsensical story. Yet at the same time, it’s so uniquely and mind-bogglingly bad, it’s kind of amazing.

Keep in mind, just summarizing the plot is difficult because it’s so convoluted. It’s about the Waits family of husband-and-wife Michael (George Hardy) and Diana (Margo Prey), daughter Holly (Connie McFarland) and son Joshua (Michael Stephenson) going on vacation to the rural farming community of Nilbog; it’s one of those home exchanges where they and another family swap houses. But on the way, Joshua is contacted by the ghost of his grandpa Seth (Robert Ormsby), who warns him that the town is inhabited by evil goblins in human disguises, and any food or drink they offer will turn people into plants, and they’ll eat them. The rest of the family doesn’t believe him, so they settle into the area among the strange residents, with Joshua sabotaging their attempts to feed them. Meanwhile, Holly’s boyfriend Elliott (Jason Wright) has followed along in an RV with his friends Arnold (Darren Ewing), Drew (Jason Steadman) and Brent (David McConnell), who are all victimized by a druid witch named Creedence (Deborah Reed), who uses a “Stonehenge Magic Stone” that gives the goblins their power.

Did any of that make sense to you? Well, too bad; apparently, the whole development of vegetarian goblins and their distaste for meat came on because several of co-story writer Rosella Drudi’s friends had become vegetarians, which she was very unhappy about. I don’t know how this even works because they’re essentially making plants from human flesh. But it doesn’t matter; this is somehow one of the least confusing story arcs of the movie. The whole “ghost grandpa” setup is really odd; there’s a scene where he wants to talk to Joshua at the farmhouse, but instead shows up in Holly’s room because he doesn’t know the layout of the place. Dude, you’re a ghost; is this really that complicated for you? It’s also random how he can just become real sometimes, and calls Michael a good-for-nothing for really no reason. Holly and Elliott’s dynamic is also just weird; she complains that he spends too much time with his friends than her—which he sort of does—but it seems more like she resents that he has friends at all. They both just act really stupid, with him blowing her off and then acting surprised when she gets mad about it, and her pretty much attacking him for innocuous issues.

But how do I even delve into the more absurd moments? Obviously, the scene where Arnold sees a girl named Cindy (Christina Reynolds) getting devoured by the goblins is the stuff of meme legend; it’s such a surreal moment. There’s the scene where the Waits are about to eat dinner, but Seth somehow freezes time for 30 seconds—actually over a minute, but whatever—and Joshua comes up with a bizarrely disgusting solution. How about when Creedence seduces Brent with a corncob that eventually causes popcorn to explode all over the inside of the trailer? But really, the best way I can sum up the outlandish appeal is to describe every scene, so I don’t want to give everything away.

By the way, if most of the dialogue sounds completely unnatural, it’s because most of the production crew members were non-English-speaking Italians, and the screenplay by director and writer Claudio Fragasso—Drudi’s husband—was a broken translation that he outright refused the cast to deviate from. But it hardly matters, because the acting is so laugh-out-loud campy, with many of the line reads either stilted, loud, creepy or whiny; yes, the freckle-faced Joshua is REALLY whiny in this, but you can’t really blame him. I will say that George Hardy has a certain pleasantness as Michael; he was actually a full-time dentist who auditioned at the urging of some of his patients. One standout performance is Don Packard as a store owner who aggressively gives Drew some Nilbog milk; he was a mental patient who got cast and filmed on a day trip, so high on marijuana that he didn’t even know what was going on. That’s some “Manos: The Hands of Fate” level direction right there.

These epic incompetencies distract from what would constitute a normal bad movie; the goblin costumes are lame, the action is dull, the editing is messy, and the meshing of plotlines never comes together. Some of the music is honestly okay, and there’s a little bit of tension in building up the town psychosis; but let’s face it, the entire appeal is laughing at how freakishly terrible it is. However, unlike many filmmakers that have embraced the notoriety of creating famously bad films, Fragasso has maintained bitterness, insisting he made a good movie. There have been multiple movies since that have been marketed as “Troll 3,” depending on what part of the world you live in, and they all have about as much to do with it as…well, “Troll 2” does with “Troll.” Then in recent years, Hardy reprised his role of Michael in a pair of movies called “Under ConTroll” and the upcoming “Goblin 2,” but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. In 2009, Michael Stephenson wrote and directed a documentary called “Best Worst Movie” about the making of “Troll 2” and its lasting cult following. I first saw this in college, and I think there’s more entertaining shit out there, but this is one that still must be seen to be believed.

My rating: 5.5/10